Friday, August 30, 2019

Texas Hoss Cat to Appear on "My 25-Pound Life"

LUBBOCK, Texas - Everything might be bigger in Texas, but one rotund cat wants to prove they can also get smaller. Boo-Boo, an oversized orange tabby, will throw his weight behind an upcoming television show about large cats trying to get healthier. My 25-Pound Life, a program that follows the journeys of cats with more to love and lots to lose, is rumored to be in production. "Meowdy, y'all," said Boo-Boo from his well-worn spot on the couch before falling asleep during the interview. His new regimen will include playing more, eating less people food, and actually getting up once in a while. To help celebrate his newfound stardom, Boo-Boo's caregiver dumped an entire bag of cat treats on the floor.

Sunday, August 25, 2019

Tuxedo Cat Constantly Feels Overdressed

LOVELAND, Colorado – A small family cookout turned into yet another moment of embarrassment for Oreo, a cat in Colorado, as he once again wore a tuxedo to a casual event. “I feel like I’m always overdressed for every occasion or place,” mewed Oreo at the barbecue. ‘Tuxedo cats’ have long been desired for their black-and-white fur which mimics the fanciful attire of humans who attend weddings and other upscale events. Oreo contends his fur causes him to look inappropriate at mundane, everyday events like relieving himself. “I can’t even use the litter box without looking like I’m about to award Best Actor at the Oscars,” complained Oreo. He is considering getting a mullet to tone down his appearance.

Friday, August 23, 2019

Community Cat on Abduction and Return: "They Took My Balls"

CAPE ELIZABETH, Maine – Otherworldly visitors descended upon the rocky shores of Maine only to abduct and perform a bizarre medical operation on a community cat, according to local feline resident Hambone. “They took my balls,” confessed Hambone, a father to 376 cats and grandfather to countless others in the New England area. The harrowing experience began when he was awoken from his fourth nap of the day to find himself trapped in a “steel cage.” Humanoid-like creatures reportedly informed Hambone that he would not be harmed. “They put me on a table where I felt my eyelids getting heavier,” Hambone recounted, “One of them had a metallic object used for God knows what.” Upon reawakening the next day back in his neighborhood, he realized part of himself was missing – but he had gained something else. “I don’t want to carry the weight of being a deadbeat dad anymore and maybe something good came out of this abduction,” Hambone said while proudly showcasing his new tipped ear. He is due in Cumberland County District Court regarding past due kitten support early next month.