Monday, May 25, 2020

Cat Walks Across Keyboard; Shuts Down Website for Months

OWENSBORO, Kentucky – The Whisker Times recently resumed operations following an inadvertent four-month hiatus resulting from a cat walking across the computer keyboard. Bagheera, a sable colored house panther from Kentucky, joyfully trotted across the keyboard in January and proceeded to shut down the cat news website until late May. “When someone says there’s a computer mouse on the desk, I’m going to chase that robotic demon,” mewed Bagheera, “I guess the keyboard was just an innocent bystander.” By somehow holding down the Control and Alt buttons at the same time, Bagheera also hit the down-arrow button, causing mass confusion and the newspaper presses came to a grinding halt. A breakthrough came months later when she again strolled on the keyboard to distract her caregiver while he worked from home and operations were fully restored.

Friday, December 27, 2019

Psychic Cat Predictions for 2020!

As the decade nears its conclusion, The Whisker Times recently met with The Amazing Pendragon for an exclusive interview to discuss his predictions for the upcoming new year. Pendragon, a renowned cat psychic and mystical seer, offered the following shocking insights into 2020:

• Peace talks between cats and vacuum cleaners will disintegrate into outright chaos when a dust buster unexpectedly enters the household scene in April. Despite promising peace dialogues earlier in August (as reported by The Whisker Times), negotiations will deteriorate as the new dust buster causes unexpected, handheld horror for cats in the house.

• An aloof and independent cat in the U.S. state of Kentucky will genuinely surprise his caregivers in October by not only welcoming their affection but will also knead dough and make biscuits while doing so. This unexpected display of reciprocal love will last 45 seconds and be immediately followed by biting and rabbit kicking.

• Scientists in Europe will develop a device in June that will incredibly allow cats to speak with human speech. After spending 45 million euros on the project, the first words from the cat will be as follows: “I want to stare blankly at the wall for the next two hours.”

The Whisker Times cat newspaper will become the most trusted source of news on the planet Mars when cat astronauts (catstronauts) successfully colonize the red planet thanks to faithful readers like you purchasing an official The Whisker Times sticker on eBay at the link here. Readers are pleased that the stickers cost less than $3 each and are shipped free. Catstronaunts rename the planet MeowMars.

Friday, December 20, 2019

Cat Pretends to Be a Stray to Get Fed More Often

BIG TIMBER, Montana - Slipping out an open bedroom window of his spacious home in Montana, one cat believes he has it all figured out. "All I have to do is walk around the neighborhood and humans feed me everywhere I go," boasted Apricot - a portly orange and white tabby. Despite already having a forever home with everything he could ever want - a loving family, toys, and plenty of food - Apricot confessed he visits the surrounding houses posing as a community cat to eat up to three additional meals a day. "What these people don't know won't hurt them," he reasoned. When reached for comment, the entire neighborhood knew full well about Apricot's scheme but just didn't have the heart to tell him.